A little introduction to this piece of the blog… this year, as you may or may not know, I’ve decided to make connection a BIG piece of my life puzzle. Connection with you, the readers of my blog, as well as the members of my community, but also connection with myself.
As usually happens, once I made this decision, resources started appearing that would help me to really open myself up, to connect with you, and me. 🙂 A Year With Myself is one such resource. It’s a year long project where you’re provided with a weekly prompt… a little something to read, dig into, think about, and ultimately write about. The funny thing is, when I decided to participate in AYWM, I initially thought the “perfect” place to write these, most likely to be intimate posts, ~ which means they’re super scary ~ would be on a blog I own, that no one really knows about. 😉 You like that right?!
But then I realized if I was really going to play full out, and live out loud it would be necessary for me to share this journey with others. For real… not faking it on a site no one every sees lol.
So this, is the first post in a Year with Myself and the question is…
What spaces are you standing between?
At this time in my life I find myself standing between desire and panic. It’s become so clear, that it’s impossible to any longer ignore, some of the insane and overwhelming rules and regulations that have been driving my life these last 40 years. AND what started out as a small inkling, has grown into a full fledged desire to break all the rules and start living the way I ReALlY want to live ~ which at times includes breaking the rules when it comes to capitalization and YELLING online ~ which in the past would most definitely NOT been allowed. 🙂
So here I stand with this overwhelming desire to let myself go, to let myself be myself, and to not give a shit what people think, and to tell the voice in my head to shut the hell up, the world will NOT end if I dance in my underwear and then let the cat out of the bag that I did it. The world will not end if when I’m lost in grief I cry my heart out, loudly. The world will not end if I stop listening to the voices outside of myself (yet loudly inside my head) that tell me the “right” thing and what I “should” be doing. yeah.
I have the desire… but do you know what happens to **rule breakers**???
yeah, me neither, but I’ve heard it’s NOT GOOD.
That’s where the panic comes in… in my head it’s a BAAAAAD thing to be a rule breaker ~ I mean, rules were made for a reason! To break them is just NOT OK.
But there’s that other voice, the one that says ~ you know those rules are just holding you back, and keeping you small.
It’s time dammit. It’s time, it’s time, it’s time.
It’s time to forget the rules, and start doing what makes me feel GOOD, and ALIVE ~ and my guess is, that once I’ve done it…
I’m gonna be ok.
NO.
I’m gonna be even better than ok.
yeah.
ps. can I just tell you how many of my own rules I’ve broken in this one little post?! I can count at least 8. *sigh* I better hit publish before that voice wins and I start hitting delete.
Congratulations on a great post! I look forward to see the rest of your journey.
You are one COOL DIVA!
I meant to post my comment here. GREAT post! Keep up the great work girl! Hugs and waves.
Thanks Elian. I’m really enjoying the process and look forward to diving in over the rest of the year. 🙂
I created a fairly private website yesterday and posted my first two entries. You are so brave to make it public. I probably will at some point!
Well good for you Edie Dykeman for jumping in! Whatever works best for you at this point is the best way to go. 🙂
YES!!! Did it feel good? Breaking your own rules… was it worth it?! I love that you are joining this journey with us.
@ourladybeth it felt a little disconcerting… not sure “good” is the right word at this point, but I can definitely see it feeling good in the future. 🙂
Jackie, I love this! Love the swearing, the all caps, the underwear dancing. Oh, and LOOK! The world’s still turning…and not only that, you just gave a bunch of other women permission to let their hair down as well.
So glad to find your blog and looking forward to getting to know you better though A Year With Myself.
@Sue_Mitchell would you believe it if I told you the swearing WASN’T a rule break lol. 🙂 I do love the reminder that by shining my light I help others feel more comfortable shining their own. 🙂 woot.
@Sue_Mitchell would you believe it if I told you the swearing WASN’T a rule break lol. 🙂 I do love the reminder that by shining my light I help others feel more comfortable shining their own. 🙂 woot.
I love this!! Dancing in the underworld and breaking the rules! You’ll be more than ok, you will be great to live in your own terms! I’m glad to be able to read so many amazing entires from AYWM. This is an amazing project! (me, my faux pas online is using too many exclamation marks but I am really thrilled!)
@wing_phy oh I’m the QUEEN of exclamation points!! Love them. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to taking this journey with you!
My first thought when reading this post was “Amen, Sister!” and my second was that some of the most successful people in the world were rule breakers.
You are a lot braver than I am. My AYWM blog is currently semi-private – some posts people can read and others are hidden. We will see what happens in the next few weeks or months.
Looking forward to hearing more about your journey. I’m glad we are on similar paths at the same time. 2012 is going to be an interesting year.
@EdieDykeman Me too Edie! If and when you’re ready to share some of your posts make sure you shoot me a link. 🙂
Thank you so much for your honesty and for going for it! I laughed and smiled and felt like cheering for you as I read your post. I really appreciate the way you shared yourself and where you are …
@Jennifer W McCullough aww. thanks Jennifer! I just went back to digest this week’s prompt and I’m really looking forward to it. I’m really looking forward to this year long journey. 🙂