My EFT Coach has always told me you can collapse beliefs. She says when you collapse a big one everything that’s based on that belief will crumble. As much as I’ve cleared with her I still kind of thought she was full of it on this whole “collapsing” idea… until last Saturday.
It all started with a book recommendation from a friend. I was diving head first into a big new project. I was feeling excited and enthusiastic, free and radiant, as I usually do at the beginning of a big new project. What I didn’t know, when I picked up that book, was how it would change the course of the next 2 weeks, my relationship with myself and my daughter.
I did a quick read through, and absolutely fell in love with the book. It was exactly what I needed (even though I didn’t realize I needed anything at the time). It gave me aha moments, and permission, and broke down barriers I didn’t realize I had… and that was before I even started doing the exercises!
I went back to the beginning, with a new notebook, and my favorite sharpie pen and started the exercises. I expected to continue this glorious feeling of freedom and excitement. I expected to keep breaking through.
What I got… a funk.
Big time funk.
For a week.
I couldn’t write. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t clean the house. I couldn’t even barely stand to be in the same room with other people. I kept telling myself it was my introversion. I kept telling myself I just needed a little peace and quiet. I hadn’t had a break or any alone time since Summer began. I knew that was the problem. I just need some freaking solitude, is what I kept saying to myself and anyone who would listen.
Hanna was a few days from leaving for a week to go to camp. I was looking forward to it, I knew her being gone would give me the silence I so desperately needed.
As the week went on I got funkier and funkier. I kept working through the exercises, hoping to get relief from the funk. Instead it got deeper. I began to worry, in the back corner of my mind, if I was falling back into the darker place I used to live. I began to fear depression was creeping back into my world.
The deeper the funk got, the more annoyed I became with everything, and anything. I went upstairs to Hanna’s room, and as I tried to open the door it wouldn’t open because she had so much stuff piled all over the floor, in front of the door, and just everywhere.
My mind snapped.
“OMG. How did I let this happen?! She’s got too much stuff?! What the hell kind of mother am I? Teaching her that stuff creates happiness, and priming the consumerism pump to set her up for a lifetime of materialism.”.
That’s it. I decided.
While she’s gone I’m going to clean out her room. I’m going to just take all her stuff out of here, get rid of it, start with a clean slate. We’ll learn a little about minimalism. I mean, really, what 9 year old kid needs 50 horses and 30 barbie dolls and every scrap of paper she’s ever owned or been given in her whole entire life?!!
That’s what rolled through my funkified mind.
I started googling… “my kid has too much stuff”.
And of course I found plenty of other moms who had decided their kids had too much stuff, and decided to get rid of all of it. This article was my favorite. I felt validated in my thinking. That was it. The plan was set in motion. All I had to do was tell my in-laws I wasn’t staying for the week, and then I could drop her off in Tulsa, high tail it home and clear it all out.
Saturday rolled around, and I don’t know what did it, but something cracked. A limiting belief I’d been holding onto my entire adult life rose to the surface and blew up. At first it made everything worse. I could see how so many things I’ve struggled with, so many things I’ve hated in my life, so many things I wish I didn’t do… they were all connected to this one crazy, deep seated, messed up belief. I will admit I wasn’t exactly gentle with myself when this all rushed to the surface. My funk got funkier, and my determination to clear out all the junk got even bigger.
The night I called my in-laws to tell them I wasn’t going to stay was rough. Telling them this was directly related to that limiting belief I’d just uncovered. I was a nervous wreck. But I told them, and then as if by magic, it all disappeared. It was as if I was watching an episode of Demolition Brothers (yes, we watch Demolition Brothers lol). They hit the charge and boom… the first floor blows, and then each consecutive floor collapses in on itself and in an instant I became free.
My funk was gone. My fear was gone. My anger was gone. All of it… just gone.
It seems crazy to type it… it seemed even crazier to live it. But I was free.
I started crying, and hugging Hanna. Then I suddenly wanted to stay in Tulsa with her for the week. I wanted all her noise and crazy. I no longer felt the need to clear out all her toys and take all her stuff. I told her I’d changed my mind and I was going to stay with her for the week. She told me uh uh, no way, forget it. 🙂
Sunday we headed to Tulsa. I ended up staying overnight and coming back the next morning.
I no longer had the urge to purge her entire space, and I even thought about not doing anything with it at all… we’d gotten it picked up a bit (with a lot of argument and fighting in the middle of the funk). It was no longer a fire hazard. But then I pulled up an image of my kiddo in my mind. The love I have for her filled my heart, filled my mind and my body. The realization that I believe she deserves to live in a clean and beautiful space. I realized she deserves to learn how to let go of things.
So instead of “getting rid of all her stuff”… I decided to give her a bedroom makeover.
Yes, I cleaned out a LOT of stuff… 3 huge construction trash bags of what I deemed garbage. I cleared out her Barbie doll house, the Barbie cruise ship (both of which she never uses) a huge bookshelf. I boxed up all but 10 of her books. She’ll have access to all her books, just not in her room. We’re implementing a “library” system, finish a book, return it and get a new one. I gave the majority of books below her reading level to a friend of ours who does mission work in Africa. The ones she and I just love too much to give away I boxed up to put into storage.
And I did it, all of it, with love.
I did not throw anything away. I did make plans for the big things (our library has a community room in the back, the Barbie house will go there… so she can even go to the library and play with it if she so chooses). All the “garbage” I put in a safe place, in case she came home and I saw something she cherished as garbage… she can get it back.
I bought new curtains, and new pillows. I hung a rod on the wall to hang her necklaces and bracelets on, so she could actually see them and wear them.
I reorganized the horses, stored them neatly, along with the barbies. I didn’t get rid of any of the 50 horses. I did get rid of a couple ratty barbies (but again, they’re in the “garbage” stored in a safe place).
I went to pick her up from Tulsa. I was excited. I was nervous. My kiddo has a memory like an elephant, she remembers everything. Like Everything. I was worried about her reaction, what she’d think, what she’d say, and if she’d be angry about the changes.
But because I did it out of love… I was pretty sure it would be ok.
As we got close to home I told her I had a surprise for her at home. I told her I’d given her a room makeover, just like on TV. Her initial reaction… WHAT… (and not in a good way!). I told her I loved her so much that I felt like she needed someplace beautiful and clean to spend her time and play.
She raced upstairs, swung open the door and gasped.
“I love it” she said. And then over and over and over again… I love it!!
I let her know I had all her stuff still. I told her I’d made plans for the big stuff if she chose to let it go.
The next morning she dragged me into her room. The sun was streaming through her new curtains casting a hot pink glow around the room.
“Look mom… my room looks like a magical place!”
We laid on the bed, read a book together in the hot pink light. She just kept saying thank you, looking around in amazement and exclaiming how magical it all looks.
She’s been home for a few days now, and there are times when she comes screaming out of her room asking where something is. Some things she wants back, some things she’s ready to let go of. It’s a process, and we’re moving through it. With love at the center. I’m 99.99999% sure if I’d done this out of anger, or frustration, resentment, or the need to feel in control… this would have been an absolute disaster. But luckily, I collapsed some crazy limiting beliefs, which opened my heart and let me do it from love.
With love ~
You can find the book I was/am reading here.
If you’re looking for an EFT coach… I highly recommend mine.