A little introduction to this piece of the blog… this year, as you may or may not know, I’ve decided to make connection a BIG piece of my life puzzle. Connection with you, the readers of my blog, as well as the members of my community, but also connection with myself.
As usually happens, once I made this decision, resources started appearing that would help me to really open myself up, to connect with you, and me. 🙂 A Year With Myself is one such resource. It’s a year long project where you’re provided with a weekly prompt… a little something to read, dig into, think about, and ultimately write about. The funny thing is, when I decided to participate in AYWM, I initially thought the “perfect” place to write these, most likely to be intimate posts, ~ which means they’re super scary ~ would be on a blog I own, that no one really knows about. 😉 You like that right?!
But then I realized if I was really going to play full out, and live out loud it would be necessary for me to share this journey with others. For real… not faking it on a site no one every sees lol.
So this, is the first post in a Year with Myself and the question is…
What spaces are you standing between?
At this time in my life I find myself standing between desire and panic. It’s become so clear, that it’s impossible to any longer ignore, some of the insane and overwhelming rules and regulations that have been driving my life these last 40 years. AND what started out as a small inkling, has grown into a full fledged desire to break all the rules and start living the way I ReALlY want to live ~ which at times includes breaking the rules when it comes to capitalization and YELLING online ~ which in the past would most definitely NOT been allowed. 🙂
So here I stand with this overwhelming desire to let myself go, to let myself be myself, and to not give a shit what people think, and to tell the voice in my head to shut the hell up, the world will NOT end if I dance in my underwear and then let the cat out of the bag that I did it. The world will not end if when I’m lost in grief I cry my heart out, loudly. The world will not end if I stop listening to the voices outside of myself (yet loudly inside my head) that tell me the “right” thing and what I “should” be doing. yeah.
I have the desire… but do you know what happens to **rule breakers**???
yeah, me neither, but I’ve heard it’s NOT GOOD.
That’s where the panic comes in… in my head it’s a BAAAAAD thing to be a rule breaker ~ I mean, rules were made for a reason! To break them is just NOT OK.
But there’s that other voice, the one that says ~ you know those rules are just holding you back, and keeping you small.
It’s time dammit. It’s time, it’s time, it’s time.
It’s time to forget the rules, and start doing what makes me feel GOOD, and ALIVE ~ and my guess is, that once I’ve done it…
I’m gonna be ok.
NO.
I’m gonna be even better than ok.
yeah.
ps. can I just tell you how many of my own rules I’ve broken in this one little post?! I can count at least 8. *sigh* I better hit publish before that voice wins and I start hitting delete.
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